“So, you only harvest the good experiences?” I asked, quite enjoying the game that either he started or I did, and he truly believed he could sell time. He looked at me and answered: “Not just the good times, obviously the sensation of love, a party at the Playboy Mansion or a child growing up are some of our finest wines, each sip to be savoured for the pleasure and happiness. But some require just the house wine and we provide those with times like watching six episodes of some trash American series. Then you curse when it’s 3am and feel tired the following day at work; or you’re in a pub on an average night like this, having a quiet drink with a friend. Those bits of low event time can be scrubbed clean and used like new for our clients. Think own brand with no taste till you add your own recipe options.” I really had trouble trying not to smile or even burst out laughing as he tried to bring me into his world. “You harvest the good and average time, so I guess only leaving mostly just bad times?” I enquired, now making odd sense from his logic.

“Totally, can you see now why often the bad times stick in your mind, whilst some of your best can barely even be grasped in detail?” He leaned in again and said: “Well, we do harvest some of the bad times, we do have some clients with particular tastes.” He took another gulp of the ale, more for a dry mouth than the ale itself. I leaned in as well to encourage him to continue. “They are more difficult to harvest, dangerous one would say. Protective gear is necessary and a lot of man power.”

“Wow!” I said. I would like to think it was an act of clever wit, but it was the only thing I could think of as he described the act of harvesting time like some sort of mining operation. Time, drilled, collected, cleaned, packaged and sold to… “Hold up, who are your clients? Who buys this time off you? Something like time must be expensive and you would not be selling it in a student pub.” He looked straight at me, his almost closed eyes boring deeper than made me comfortable. He raised his glass of ‘Shoggoth’s Old Peculiar’, motioned a respectful tilt and proceeded to down the last of the golden liquid. He took a deep breath and said: “You’re right there, I would not be selling it here,” looking around at the now mostly empty bar and the few odd groups, well past the drunk and boisterous stage. He then stood up and looked down at me, “I was just taking your time up and now I bid you farewell.” With that he walked up to the door. The doorman, who looked like he wanted to be going home, opened the door and let him out into the night. I sat there for a minute, looked at my book, noticing the ale puddle gone and tried to process what just happened with little real comprehension, except the guy was not playing with a full deck. I picked up my mobile, pressed the unlock and looked at the time. It was 2am and I wondered how that happened. So I finished my pint, stood up, put my coat on, grabbed the book and left the pub, saying my farewells to the doorman and went home cursing myself as I would be tired at work tomorrow.

*Shoggoth’s Old Peculiar – Hops grown by HP Lovecraft and brewed by Neil Gaiman

Thanks to the Hobbit Pub for use of glasses, tables, bartops and I hope Adi enjoyed the pint once not needed for the photo shoot.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

The man was still there when I got back, flicking through my book and quietly laughing to himself. “Something funny?” I asked as I put his pint down in front him. He looked up at me, wiped his eyes and spoke: “Just something in your book, they where never like that.”

“What where never like what?” I replied, sliding myself across the wooden bench, shoving my jacket up out of the way. He put the book down again, knocking his pint and splashing the nectar of the old gods across its cover. He did not even acknowledge the fact as he began to speak again. “Oh, don’t worry, just a little factual inaccuracy.”

“In my book? But my book is fiction!” I answered. He looked at me, then down at the book. The beer, now a puddle on the old and discoloured cover, was beginning to seep into the leathered material. Out of the crackling speaker above the bench behind me, strange and out of place chanting gently accompanied James singing of a thing that should not be. “If you say so,” he remarked, pushing the book to one side and leaning in towards me. “So about this time then, you interested?” he said in a hushed voice. I motioned a cheer with my glass and took a swig on my ale. When I finished I answered him. “I still don’t understand what you are trying to sell and never mind what it costs.”

“Alright, I forget you folk see time differently,” he said as he sat back, took a drink of his own pint and continued. “Ever spent a night dancing, had a few drinks, laughed with friends, met a beautiful girl, taken her home and did the old drunken last dance in bed? Then lying there with your arms around her you wondered why it only felt like an hour ago you where contemplating staying in as you were tired. Where had the night gone? It had gone so quickly and your memories don’t add up to the time that had passed? ”

“Yeah, it’s called being drunk!” I said raising my glass again.

“Well, yes and no. You see, yes, your drunk and that does make it all so much easier,” he said with a cheeky but mischievous grin. “Easier for what?” I asked. “Easier for us to harvest your time,” he replied. The only thing that I could bring into words was “Harvest Time.”

“Yes, harvest, like bring in the crops to feed us through the winter. You see, time is an interesting thing, it’s like flypaper for events, sensations and feelings. It sticks to it and wiggles for bit then gives up and returns to the universe to be recycled. But whilst it’s wiggling, it has life and that, my friend, is a commodity.” He sat back, took his pint for another drink looking at me like he had just revealed a great secret to me. I tried to understand what he had tried to explain. “So,” I began, “time is the flypaper, human events and all we feel with it are the flies.” He nodded his head, up and down. I continued on: “and so you sell these flies before the flies die?”

“Yes, spot on!” he exclaimed.

“You chop up the flypaper and sell it fly by fly?”

“Indeed, your are a clever one, aren’t you.” He nodded just once this time and gave me a wary look. He looked thoughtful for a moment and continued his sales pitch at me. “We have all sorts of time for all needs, but mind – the better the experience the higher the price.”

*Shoggoth’s Old Peculiar – Hops grown by HP Lovecraft and brewed by Neil Gaiman

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

He looked directly at me, well as best as I could tell he was. “I’m not selling watches, knocked off or otherwise. I am offering you time, time to experience life, time to enjoy the curves of a naked lady in your bed, time to be dancing to the rhythm of your favourite band or time to be reading that book of yours.” I stared at him, now quite confused, thinking is he a time share salesman wanting me to buy a bit of house on an island now too full of British tourists? “What is that you reading anyway?” He lent over and fingers adorned with gothic silver jewellery grabbed the book from my hands and pulled it over to him. He closed the book, losing my page and began to read the front. “The Wanderings of Alha…, Alhazzz, Alhazzz red?” he gave up trying to pronounce the title and offered the book back to me. As he lent over, the short sleeve of his shirt lifted up his arm and revealed a tattoo, which seemed to be a stylised octopus, tentacles reaching out from the cotton material that masked most of the head. “Well,” I remarked as I took the book back with annoyance at him losing my page, “I did have time to read my book until you showed up.”

“OK, lets begin again. I’ll tell you what, I’ll get us a couple of drinks and then we can have a proper chat.” As he stopped speaking he pulled a ten pound note out from his jeans pocket and put in on the table. I looked at him blankly, wondering if he was about to ask me to go get the drinks? “Look, you’re a regular and the bar is three deep with students who have all the time in the world. You and me, well, you are not so fortunate after all this time. You’re a regular, you’ll get served quicker than me.” I could not disagree with his reasoning that I would get served quicker, but his remarks about my time left me curiously unnerved. Partly for the free drink and partly for the chance to get some time away from this man, I grabbed the tenner and was about to ask what he was having when he spoke: “I’ll have whatever you’re having.”

“Pint of Shoggoth it is then,” I remarked as I walked away and began to work my way to that one point at the bar where regulars get served and others get told to move out of the way of the glass collector. Well, in truth, regulars get asked to move as well, but we have learned to move first or expect an insult before being asked to move. The punk barmaid, dressed in tartan, black, green, pink, red and numerous other colours, hair to match and advertising a zombie film from the days when horror still shocked and got banned on her ripped t-shirt, served my requested two pints of Shoggoth with a bubbly smile before moving on to serve the ever increasing numbers of students wanting to drink booze, who themselves had elements of a zombie mob about them. Grabbing the two pints and with a skill only years of pub life can hone I made my way back to my seat, avoiding drunken youths dressed in golfing outfits, without spilling a drop.

*Shoggoth’s Old Peculiar – Hops grown by HP Lovecraft and brewed by Neil Gaiman

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

“…time?” the voice said as it drifted into the arena of my attention whilst I tried to read my book, siting in the corner of my favourite pub. Normally, I could ignore the background noise when I wanted to read a good book over a pint of ‘Shoggoth’s Old Peculiar’*, imported from Newport on the island just over the water from here. The pub, whilst rustic, was not trendy, and proudly owned an eclectic jukebox that currently was singing at you to run to the hills, and attracted swarms of the local students to drink a pint of alcoholic sugar and food colouring before descending upon the next student-friendly bar down the hill. So you get used to the noise and know when is a good time to leave, before the crowds at the bar become more than five students deep. But this voice disrupted my concentration and I realised the voice was actually aimed at me and said something about time. I looked at my mobile phone and the grimy green display doing its best to illuminate, I began to speak “It’s just gone seven…”

“Sorry mate, you must of misheard me,” the voice that had a slight roughness interrupted. I looked up and finally saw the source of the voice that had pulled me from a tale of old gods and books of the dead. They say never judge a book by its cover and they also say first impressions count. I like to acknowledge either depending on my mood. So very much in a ‘first impressions count, you have interrupted my escapism’ kind of mood, I took in the presence before me. He was an average size man, shaved head, dressed in jeans and a casual shirt with oriental script arranged in random places. I always wondered what those symbols meant, was it something deep or the East having a laugh as the Westerners wondered around with ‘fungal foot disease’ emblazoned across their person. His eyes seemed barely open and it was difficult at first to see if he was actually looking at me. “I said, you want some time, you know, buy some time?” He spoke with a shifty aspect as if he was doing something he was not meant to. “Me, time?” I decided to reply, still unsure that I was his intended potential customer. “Yes, time.” he answered back. “Do I want to buy some time?” my internal dialogue asked with more of a question of ‘what’ than ‘do I’. I continued to look at him with a befuddled expression as suddenly it dawned on me. “Oh! Do I want to buy some watches off you?” I spoke hastily as my distrust of this man grew. “Sorry, mate if your wanting to punt knocked off watches round here, then you better be leaving. If the landlady or those guys…” I stopped speaking as I looked round to the two doormen leaning against the wall at the entrance to the pub, looking casually big and persuasive. Turning back to look at guy selling his wares, I continued “…catch you, then you will be asked to leave.” I emphasised the ‘leave’ for a sense of ‘you’re not welcome round here, now sling your hook before the doormen sling you onto pavement outside’ in it. He looked at me, understanding the tone. I could almost hear the heavy sounds of his thoughts and an unsettling power as he stood just staring at me. Suddenly he shrugged his shoulders announced: “You got me all wrong, mate.” and sat down on the pew the other side of the table from me, like he had known me years and I was a good friend.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4